Mills’ Bar Room Brawl

I just choked on my tea an hour ago. Up into the wrong pipe and down the nostril. Not a pretty sight, i know, but i have sensitive gag reflex. I ‘visited’ a few of my friends or the people in my friendsters list, and boy, is there a ‘mari berkahwin beramai-ramai’ campaign that i missed in the past month??!

Let me write this down before i lose my train of thought.

I mean, what’s the rush? Not wanting to live in sin, that i can understand, but if getting married to the right guy for the WRONG reason (can’t wait to get married, the guy is so good looking and that makes you even prouder to be officially married, saja-saja nak kahwin, the guy proposes, the girl proposes, the girl got knocked up, the guy owns a beemer, the lady can perform the Cytheria trick, etc), it’s just plain, well, there’s no happy ending to it. Check out the divorce rate.

Don’t die a statistic.

Why can we all have a plain relationship, a pure relationship where material matters are remotely attached? The trait of a man is the most important thing, not how fat his wallet is.

Honestly, I want to get married too, but i just haffa survey the meat market first.

Number one : The guy has to bring me white lilies on the first date.

Number two : The guy can be dead ass broke, but is smart as hell. Say, if he doesn’t have enough bread for a fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant, a walk in the park with an ice-cream cone and the talks of literature and history and theology is good enough. I don’t want to be a cliche.

Number three : Why am i even writing these down?

I have a perfectly sweet guy that i don’t want to get hitched with, and vice versa.

Before i sign off, i don’t wanna be the worldly bitch that rains on everyone’s wedding. To those yang dah kahwin or bertunang, hey, congrats…enjoy making formula, making breakfast, washing his socks, having your privacy invaded, and more ….(i’m just throwing you a bone…)

To others, let’s celebrate ’singlehood’!!!

I had the sweetest chat with a friend from my past today. You know, two years ago, we sat at this bakery/cafe, smoking shisa and lamented about our destiny. Why weren’t we going places, why we didn’t date more boys, why didn’t we go clubbing as often as we used to, why we didn’t have more girlfriends, why we only have 2 bags and not more, why we didn’t talk to that cute guy we saw down at that tea place, and why we can’t stand 50 cent? Everyone’s listening to him!

We suck!

Boy, that must be how it feels like to be those losers in high school.

She made me realise i want a different life for myself. Nothing extraordinary, nothing mind blowing, yet nothing unreachable.

I’m finally going for the Greater Good; ME.

After high school, i spent my life trying to manage my relationship. Trying to survive university, trying to revive the friendship i had with this group of friends who disbanded due to my misconduct with another member of the group while dating Arif. I pushed myself, i blamed myself. All in all, i pushed myself too long and too far now, i just have to take a breather and reprioritise.

I’m carefully constructing my moments from today. From my first REAL job to what will be written on my obituary. I wouldn’t want to look back and say to myself , "what the hell was i thinking?" , so i guess it’s best to sit down and write down a list of things i want, things i don’t want, things i’m afraid of, and the little things that i’ve always wanted but never had the time to get. For example, that lava lamp. But since i got it last friday, case close.

I didn’t even know the girl i was anymore. I quit doing things i enjoyed most 5 years back for reasons unknown. I have no idea whatsoever why i did the things i did. I just, quit…i didn’t even pause for a second to look back and filter out the good from the bad.

So,today, I’m going to kick off my heels, paint the town red, study a subject that facinates me most ( Ted Bundy and other serial killers…LOL…i’m a pyscho, i know, but i don’t mind that).

Hah!

And maybe a Starbucks Frap twice a week wouldn’t hurt, now, would it?

We only have one life… live your life and someone else’s dream, never compromise what you like for something you don’t. Be nice to the little people when you’re going up, coz you’ll be meeting them when you’re coming down. Live everyday as if it’s your last, because one day, it will be. (5/26/2005 ; 3.30 a.m)