Mills’ Bar Room Brawl

Alex and Tikus were back from their 3 days camping trip and they called me out for a drink as soon as they docked at Penang Jetty.

So out we went for a drink, the three of us, and I had my first vegetarian food.

Tikus broke up with his girlfriend of one year. Having said that I felt the need to welcome a new member into our group (Troubled Relationship Support Group) by lending him an ear and maybe dish out a bit of Oprah-ism that i’m getting so much better at.

We talked for a good 2 hours, the three of us, and the exchange of ideas and sentiments made me realize that women are indeed from Venus and Men are from a WHOLE other planet far far away in a different galaxy.

Woman can be an ass sometimes. Tikus’ ex broke up with him because she felt compared to tikus’ dog. And Tikus, although he loves her to bits, was aloof most of the time that she felt she didn’t get much attention from him.

Question is, why must a woman be emotionally needy and why must a man be aloof? It couldn’t kill you to be emotionally sensitive once in a while.

When a man loves a woman, I don’t think it shows. Hence why the women folks need some assurance by being emotionally needy.

If only we’re not needy then the world would be a better place for men and women to co-exist right?

But then again, why can’t a man be emotionally sensitive, then all of these problems won’t exist in the first place?

What comes first, the chicken or the egg?

I was about to come up to a conclusion when suddenly, out of the blue, Tikus said, “If you’re my girlfriend, I would worry like cock!”

I faked a gasp and asked why, and in a way he said I played with my sexuality too much.

Alex jumped into it with such enthusiasm as though he just came back from Berjaya Hotel’s Spa, not some god forsaken jungle. He related to Tikus how I would work my magic on a colleague just to prove to him that ‘I’ve still got it’, then dropped that man like a rotten egg as soon as he showed interest.

In 2 minutes he successfully summed up that women are bitches.

I’m considering lesbianism.

"Whatever you do may seem insignificant, but it is most important that you do it."  - Mahatma Gandhi.

I have stopped reading completely. Don’t know when I’ll get back to it.

I am not completely at peace with myself.

I talked with my best friend on the second day of Raya. He opened my eyes to how much i’ve changed. For better and for worst. Some of the changes were detrimental and he was worried.

They all want the old Emilia back.

Somehow, sitting in the pit of my stomach, i fear i would lose them all.

It would take some time before i am healed, and even if i were to go back to who i was, it would be a long way home.

Sometimes when i’m upset with someone, cutting my throat sounds inviting. But that’s only the suicidal me speaking.

I’d really love to go back in time and have a chat with myself when i was five. In some ways, i think i was a lot smarter then. Those times when i had the answers to everything.

I did it again. I spent RM100 on a book yesterday at MPH.

Unlike other girls, I have to be manhandle out from a bookstore, not a shoe store.

But in my defense, i have been looking for R.K Narayan works eversince i read The Painter of Signs back in the year 2000. I forgot about my dream of owning a Narayan’s work until i read Life of Pi (Yann Martel).

Another sad surprise is i actually do miss raya.

Maybe when you’re alone and you have nothing but your own thoughts you tend to get melancholic.

Also, guess what i saw yesterday.

Well it’s a tad blurry.

Anyways, the sign says "Come and try my ROTI BABI".

Not bad huh? I laughed till my sides hurt.

You hear it on the radio, you see it on the telly and you are constantly reminded of it by supermarkets’ leaflets.

Yes folks, Eid Al-Mubarak is here.

This would be my first year not celebrating raya. It has long lost its meaning to me but over the years i had somehow managed to pool my lost faith in cultural/religious celebration together and joined in the fun.

What makes me decide on this?

For a start, my failed relationship is to blame. For eight years i celebrated Eid with Arif’s family. Now that we are no longer ‘we’, I banned myself from visiting his family in order to leave the relationship with my grace intact.

Secondly, the people around me sickens me with their pseudo practise in religion, not to mention the regular religious policing i’ve been getting during Ramadhan.

A security guard at my workplace, whom used to be a pal, turned into my personal enemy when he self-elected himself as a ‘puasa’ police. Everytime he sees me, he would ask ‘Puasa tak? Kita orang muslim kita kena puasa’ (Save it for the khutbah, love).

This sickens me. Not because most of the time i do not fast, but since when do i have to answer to another fellow human and not God himself?

Do muslims fast because we love God, or because we are afraid of others stigma?

My logic is this: Just because i’m half chinese he felt compelled to monitor me more. Juxtapose me next to a tudung clad muslim girl with hickeys all over her neck and no prize for guessing who he would ask the ultimate question to.

He finally left me alone when i told him to get off my case. I am not pious and i’m not going to pretend to be one.

We have to be honest here.

How many of you muslims pretend to fast, cracked lips and all, then surreptitiously text your friends to buy lunch for you?

How many of you goes to the toilet and steal a drink from the tap water?

How many of you suckles the teat of a ciggarette in your car?

How many of you goes clubbing and consumed rum and whiskey during the Holy month of Ramadhan?

My reason is this. Islam should be a way of life like how it is being practised in Indonesia and the Arab nation. This ‘baby-sitting’ has to stop, because it’s fast turning us all into hypocrites.

Unknown to all, we are the laughingstock of the non-muslims. My aunt, a Buddhist, had a blast watching muslim men buying mineral water and drink it in a public toilet. While doing the deed, they smoked in there too.

Some even resorted to cinemas for some loving.

Not that this happens only during Ramadhan. Ask any mat rempit with a jacket and a girl what the story line’s about after the show ends. You’d get two sets of answers.

Don’t blame them for ridiculing us. It’s all our own doing.

I visited my dad’s grave yesterday and for the first time in 12 years i had a short conversation with him.

Oh, i just need a mental break!

Work consumes 90% of my life now. I know it’s true because even in my dreams i was working.

I even have to work this coming raya holidays.

Anybody wants to trade life with me?

No takers? Yeah, i figure as much.

Often we complained about how sucky our life is. When your workload is as high as Marge Simpson’s hair, when you seem to be curse with bad luck when it comes to relationship, when you found the shoes that you wanted so bad but the salesgirls told you they dont carry your size, and when you couldnt fit into your skinny jeans.

And then you compare your life to that old chinese man that has to eat off other people’s leftovers in macdonald’s.

At least i have a job and not eating off other’s scrap.

I dare not say my life is sucky, but i am nevertheless compelled to say it’s not grand either.

There are DEFINITELY certain areas that i have to work on.

I have zero social life too, if anybody wants to know. I work til late, then i come home to an empty room and listen to music until i’m ready for bed.

Weekends are worse. It’s the longest when you don’t spend it with somebody. I don’t have time to read my books anymore. I bought ‘Teacher Man’ by Frank McCourt months ago. It’s only a 300 pages book, but it’s already October and it’s still bookmarked at page 219.

I wanna be in my happy place.

And i miss my friends. I haven’t seen some of them for months now.

Life without Death. How would it be, i wonder?